I’m Not Bright

I’m watching TV and I hear the word “enigma.”
I have no idea what that means.
My dog asks, “Why the puzzled look?”
I tell her the meaning of word we just heard, “enigma,” is a mystery to me.
“And what do we do when we don’t know a word?” she asks.
I scratch my head. “Gee, I guess I dunno. I’m not real smart.”
“Okay,” my dog says, “you know what a dictionary is, right?”
I think a while. “It’s some kind of book, isn’t it?  I don’t know how to read books.”
My dog rolls her eyeballs. “You do have a phone, right?”
“So should I call someone to ask what ‘enigma’ means?”
My dog shakes her head. “You can look up the word’s definition on your phone.”
“Look up the word? Definition?” I say.  “What is that?”
My dog sighs. “Come on, you’re not really that stupid are you?”
“Well . . . .”
“Hand me your phone,” my dog says.
I pass it to her and in a flash she paws it back to me.
On the screen it says,
Enigma: a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.
“Well I’ll be a tumbling tumbleweed,” I say, “so someone actually knows what ‘enigma’ means?”
“Brother,” she says, “you are denser than a mesa.”
“A what?” I ask. “Can you look up ‘mesa’ for me?”
“Geez you are a waste of oxygen,” my dog says.
She’s right. I mean my dog knows how to look up the meaning of words.
Can you believe it?
Words I don’t know, they have meanings.
Meanings that other people know and then post on the internet — or put in those book things.
Mind blown.
I’m pathetic.  I’m so stupid I might wander into the desert and get lost forever.
“Would you miss me if I dropped dead?” I ask my dog.
She scratches herself and goes over to her water bowl for a drink.
Darn it.  Why was I born so incredibly brain-dead?
An idiot like me, not even my dog would miss me if I dropped off the face of the planet.

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