What I’m Looking For

What are the three things you’re looking for most in a partner?
            Hmmm . . . Well, I want to start by saying this right up front.  If you voted for Trump, please don’t send me a message.  You will not hear back from me.  Also, if you don’t know why I spelled that word h-e-a-r in the last sentence, rather than h-e-r-e, don’t message me.
            Before I tell you number three, I just want you to know that I’ve been participating in online dating for many years.  I started with Match.com.  To show you how long ago that was, the only people to choose from within a 250 mile radius of me were my friends who were desperate enough to try online dating.
            Another site I joined early seemed to promise classing up the whole process by not allowing you to see anyone’s profile unless they determined that you were a compatible pair of singles worthy of each other.  This, of course, was the pricey eHarmony.com, with that survey you have to fill out that’s more arduous than taking the SATs.  I was so early into their game that it took nearly six months before I had my first match, and she lived in another country. 
            I do believe that pay sites hire people to show interest in you in order to get you to re-up.  Never were you so enticing to potential partners then when you were ready to split the scene.  And should you be foolish enough to renew your membership, you find that all of these people lusting after you either have bogus profiles or are located in the hinterlands of Hinterlandia.
            So here’s number three.  If you want to take a chance on messaging me, and if after reading my messages you agree to go out with me, and if at the end of that first date you believe you might actually want to see me again, then go ahead and take a chance on messaging me.
            I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, but I ain’t dead yet.