I’m Back

She’s one ugly mother, but I’ve witnessed worse,
turned down dates with women not far from this foul.
I have standards, you know, but my relatives keep trying
to match me with winners who were strictly from hunger.
We’re a match, I mean for fighting, but I’ve never been beaten,
and I don’t intend this mirror-buster to be my final foe.
She’s a strong one, this grotesquerie, and my stupid sword fails me;
it’s unnerving to be pinned by such an uncomely goon.
If it weren’t for my armor she’d have certainly screwed me,
but fate makes available an awfully sweet sword
forged for the giants that I grab to go at her.
It lops off her head like a hot knife through butter,
then whimsically I pop off her son’s noggin for a souvenir.
Amazing how the ooze from cutting off his coconut,
dissolves the giants’ blade right up to the hilt.
I don’t remember being burned when I ripped off G’s arm,
but this makes a good plot point, this melting of metal.
The trip up through the lake’s way easier than going down;
I’m thankful that the storyteller edits out repetition.
My loyal bros are wowed by Grendel’s gourd and sword,
and we hurry to Heorot to toss these trifles at Hrothgar’s feet.
I caution him not to touch the goo from G’s hat-rack,
if he wants to keep his hand for eating and, you know.