An Unsuitable Way for You To End It With Me

I’ve been dumped many times, and one thing I’ll say
is that every time it happens it’s so awfully cliché.
I hate “It was good once,” even worse “It’s someone new,”
and worst of all’s suffering through “It’s me, not you.”
To all those women who’ve bagged so blithely on us,
here are some lines I’d wish I’d slipped in first.

If I knew I’d spend the rest of my life with you,
I’d have hoped to expire in a day or two.

The moment we met, it was love at first site.
Wish I’d asked for her number when she walked by that night.

I was sure I’d been searching for you my whole life.
When I found you, I wept for not to using a light.

After we met, you were all I could see.
No peripheral vision’s a lifetime handicap for me. 

You had me at hello; why’d I have to know English?
If you were a balloon animal, a helium filled one would be my wish.

Were you a box of tissues, I’d never blow my nose or be a crier.
If we were a pair of socks, I’d lose you in the dryer.

When I wake up in the morning, you’re the first thing I see.
They say the best way to die is to go in your sleep.

You’re the sun and the moon, and that’s too close for comfort.
If you’ve never seen Jaws, I’ll find a beach you should check out.

Were I choking to death and someone Heimliched me,
when the obstruction popped out, I know who it would be.

You’re the best thing that’s happened in my life so far,
better throw in the towel and get run over by a car.

So to all of my exes acting so dully polite,
who left me hanging with sentiments quite trite, 
were it me doing the brush off, saying adios to you,
I’d at least be original and aim for entertainment value, too.

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