How To Screw

In my younger days, it was so easy, so straightforward.
Really, in my house there was only one way to do it.
But as years passed, more options presented themselves,
and now, though I’ve tried to keep up, I’m a bit overwhelmed.

In the beginning, there was the slotted, and only the slotted.
My father’s toolkit, a sizeable one to my young eyes,
held an array from very small to very large of the slotted variety alone.
Then somewhere along the line, I noticed Phillips screwdrivers moving in.

By the time I inherited my dad’s old toolbox, the style explosion had already begun.
With each new screwdriver acquisition, I kept wondering if, or do I mean hoping,
someone would go back in time and terminate the brain who found the Phillips head insufficient.

My father would laugh if he saw the size of my toolbox stuffed with the clutter of screwdrivers.

I have many types, most in way too many sizes,
of both manual screwdrivers and electric drill bits,
from slotted and Phillips, to triangle, to square, to five-point, to hex, to six-lobe,
to torx, to one-way, to spanner, to tri-wing, to s-type, to y-type, to spline,
and little screwdrivers, unique to a piece of furniture or tool I bought and assembled.
I prefer Philips to any other; all else is a bit too much for an old brain like mine to get a handle on.

Scene: Krista breathes down Alan’s back as he attempts to tighten a Phillips screw on the file cabinet door.

Alan: Huh, I can’t figure out if it’s getting tighter or looser.
Krista: Well which direction are you turning it?
Alan: I’m turning it counterclockwise.
Krista: Come on, Alan, it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, don’t you know that?

Narrator: Alan, thus instructed, has now learned how to screw.

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