Gone South

You know your romance has gone awry when toys fail. I’m not talking about batteries. I mean when suggest a few possibilities and your partner says, “Nah,” rolls over, and instantly falls into a deep sleep.

I’ve invested a lot of money in equipment. Most of it was tried-and-true. The newer stuff, I thought it would keep our bond going, but it didn’t.

Some of them are still in their packaging. I could try to return them. Not sure I still have the receipts, though.

Shopping for them, whether online or in actual stores, used to be a highlight for me. The life I lead, it’s not the most exciting. Buying the toys was one of the good things about being alive. That and her.

Listen to that. I never did tell her about her snoring. It’s quite a drone. Not bagpipe strength, but not weak. I didn’t want to risk offending her. A CPAP would help her.

Damn. When she rolls over, she comes full force. Nearly knocked me off the bed. I suppose I should leave now, gather up all the ones we’ve not experimented with yet. I’ll need a couple bags.

Will she miss me? I wonder if she wishes I were gone? I got a strong hunch I know which one of us will be the one that got away. I know the one thirty years from now who’ll say, “Ah, how I miss you. Ah, how I missed my chance with you.”

Maybe she’s thinking, “I wish you were the one who already did get away.”

Should I take some of our battery supply? Would that be petty?

I really think I should leave her a note about the CPAP. It might help her in her next relationship. Something like that can turn guys off.

There. Should I sign it love? Or sincerely? Or with affection? Nah, probably just my name. I want her to think this is mutual. We part rationally, as adults should.

It was one of those love not lust deals, I guess. Well, for her. For me, I kind of thought she might be the one. We had so much fun. And you should have lots of fun with the one, shouldn’t you?

I better leave the key. Come to think of it, I’d better take her copy of my key.

So that’s everything, I think. This sucks. I’m going to miss her. Maybe she’ll call me? Maybe not. I think I’ll hold on to all of these, just in case. Besides, as I say, I probably don’t have the receipts anymore.

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