You knew I loved practical jokes when we met,
you even said then you really adored them.
So I tried my best over several months
to keep coming up with some good ones.
I suppose we all know there are only so many
practical jokes that do work.
I mean ones that are actually humorous at all,
there are millions that make no one laugh.
You told me you chuckled every time you would call,
because you knew I wouldn’t answer,
that you’d get my message saying “Sorry, speak up,”
then “I still can’t hear you” over and over.
From those hoarse beginnings it was sunny for a while,
but I know at some point all that changed.
It was either the dead rat in the back of your closet
or your cereal box filled with roaches.
I was particularly proud of the jar full of spiders
I left lying open under your bed.
Sorry I didn’t know you were mortally arachnaphobic,
glad your screams brought cops and EMTs.
You said you’d kill me if I did that again,
and I’m nothing if not a quick learner.
So I thought it ingenious that I came up with the idea
of breaking into your new boyfriend’s car to leave them.
Now I see that my legal troubles have you laughing,
I’m ecstatic my misfortune’s so amusing.
For my next prank, then, I’ve worked out a way
to fake hanging myself at your wedding.