I read that a 90-minute movie optimally accommodates our 2021 attention spans.
In the back of my mind I recall it was the same in the days of my youth,
so maybe the kids are all right.
Anything longer tests audience attention capability and comprehensional capacity,
and may risk triggering irritability and even outright hostility.
If my life were a movie, it would run, unedited, for roughly 35,215,200 minutes to this point.
Unedited, think Friday the 13ths from here to eternity made as musical comedies.
Uncut, I would be like a Bergman Film Festival,
with the word “festival” not meaning what anyone assumes it means.
It would be worse than the <i>Red, White,and Blue Trilogy running on infinite loop,
a theater screening My Dinner with Andre 24/7/365.
Yes, there have been innumerable boring scenes, but I’m not worried about the end product,
because I’m still working on the rough cut.
I’ll not be involved, unfortunately, in the final editing.
I wonder if I’d enjoy that, hunting through so much material,
distilling everything to an entertaining 90 minutes of me?
Digging down to the real meat of my existence,
the raw, red, sinewed and bloody essential, elemental heart of me.
Experiences of critical import, me stripped to the fundamental matter
signifying the raison d‘être of moi.
I know I’d like arc, a decent plot at least.
I wouldn’t want to be New-Yorkered.
A happy ending would be nice, but, hmmm . . .
Oh, and a meaningful musical score.
That’s the easiest element of my biopic: Lots of Lightfoot.
I believe there may have been a few juicy moments of me,
but I could be suffering from too subjective a lens.
I’ll need fresh eyes in the editing room to pull off a blockbuster.
A practiced eulogist’s hand on the cutter button would be good.
Most importantly, we should skip test audiences and go straight to wide distribution.
I’d hate to be shelved by popular demand.
Yes, worldwide right off the bat – and no dubbing.
Subtitles and audio description for the hearing and visually impaired in all languages.
Just in case, an incentive of free popcorn to the first 100 ticket-buyers.
Also free valet parking, tip included, might nudge attendance numbers if needed.
And if I were alive, I’d sit, anonymous, in the back of theater, anxious to see
whatever turned out to be the most entertaining 90 minutes of me.