Kauaʻi, Boys, Is nō ka ʻoi

EXTERIOR. ON THE BEACH AT KEKAHA, KAUAʻI, HAWAIʻI EVENING

Four friends, BEANPOLE, BROWNIE, GOODIE, and PEANUT sit on the sand watching the sunset. It is Friday night, the eve of their graduation from Waimea High School. In celebration, they’ve managed to sneak a few beers from their homes.

GOODIE
I canna believe we graduate tomorrow. Kind of amazing we made it.

BROWNIE
Amazing you made it, Goodie. I think maybe you never studied in twelve years.

BEANPOLE
Yeah, Loverboy, you hit the babes more than the books, that’s for sure.

GOODIE
Eh, maybe I like the girls more than diagramming sentences and learning long division, but no tell me you guys weren’t thinking about girls too.

BEANPOLE
Thinking about um is one thing, but you made it like a full time job.

GOODIE
(laughing)
Speaking of Loverboys, he’s not. How come you so quiet, Peanut? Cat got your tongue or what?

PEANUT
Ah, yeah, just thinking about tomorrow. You know how they say commencement, how it’s supposed to be some kind of new beginning.

BROWNIE
Yeah, well, it is, right? It’s time for start working. Time for find a real job. No more of this cutting sugarcane for me. I going Honolulu, find myself something good.

GOODIE
Yeah, right. Come on. We know you just like escape, Brown, cause Jean broke your heart.

BROWNIE
(disgustedly)
Not even. I gonna make something outta myself. Honolulu the place. Not this crummy little island.

GOODIE
(kidding)
Come on, Loverboy, that’s all one smokescreen, yeah? We all know you horny for Jean. You went lose, babooze.

BROWNIE
(angrily)
Shut up, Goodie, before I shut you up.

BEANPOLE
Eh eh eh, Brown, he’s only kidding you. No need get angry.

BROWNIE
(wistful)
Yeah, I know, but I cannot believe we graduate tomorrow and then Jean getting married on Sunday. How can be? That’s not too fast or what?

GOODIE
Plus she marrying that jackass Larry. Frickin Kapaʻa dicks gotta come down here an steal our chicks. You know why? Cause all Kapaʻa girls are either cows or stay too smart to marry Kapaʻa guys.

BEANPOLE
No kidding. How many times we met up with those losers? If I gotta walk Lihue one more time for beef those weak boys, I’m gonna go nuts.

PEANUT
Yeah. Lihue. How many times we gotta meet um halfway? I tell you what but, I canna remember the last time we went lose to Kapaʻa.

GOODIE
Thas right, boys. When it comes to ass kicking, nobody kicks Kapaʻa ass like us West side gents. I tell you, Beanpole, I would walk there everyday, cause guys from Kapaʻa, they need their asses kicked every day.

BEANPOLE
Eh, don’t get me wrong, Goodie, I would be right there with you. It’s just I’m bored already with we always walk all the way to Lihue just for fight Kapaʻa. It really wears me out, you know? I tired already.

PEANUT
Really? Tired of winning?

BEANPOLE
Nah nah nah. I’m just tired. Boring already. I’m with Brownie. I like try Honolulu. Eh Brown, I definitely going with you.

BROWNIE
(glumly)
Yeah yeah, sounds good. Whatever we going do is whatever.

GOODIE
Ho, Brown, don’t sound so down, clown. You not even gonna remember Jeannie pretty soon.

BROWNIE
Shet. I hope. I canna stand that Larry Lopes. Dick. I licked him one time, remember?

PEANUT
(supportive)
Yeah, Brown, you showed him. Was almost like you gave him one wedding present even though was kinda early. Like two years ago, before he even met Jean.

BEANPOLE
Brownie, man, you licked him good. One advanced wedding present. It was like you could see into the future with one crystal ball.

BROWNIE
Some crystal frickin ball. Then Jeanie dumped me, started dating him. After that damn dance at Lihue High. Shet. If she nevah meet him, who knows. I could be getting married on Sunday.

GOODIE
Brother, brother, brother. You never heard about all the fish in the sea or what?

BROWNIE
Yeah, Goodie, I have heard about all the fish in the sea. And I also heard that you caught um all already, you hog cheese.

GOODIE
(laughing)
Eh, first come, first served, my friend. If you wasn’t mooning over Jean all day and night, you coulda got out your pole and come hook some with me.

BROWNIE
Yeah, really, I wish I could fish like you. Catch um, throw um back. You one of the luckiest fuckahs I ever saw with the broads.

GOODIE
Doesn’t hurt that I more handsome than you three ugly buggahs.

PEANUT
(laughing, raising his bottle)
We need a toast to how handsome Goodie is compared to us. Goodie, I’m surprised you can still stand up how you always slap yourself on the back so much.

BEANPOLE
Yeah, be careful when you’re admiring yourself in the mirror tomorrow when you shave. You just might be so distracted by your good looks that you cut your throat.

GOODIE
Sticks and stones, boys. You all know my belt has so many notches it’s about to fall apart. So kiss my ass and let’s have more beers.

They open four more beers.

GOODIE
Eh, Brown, Jeanie nevah invite you to the wedding, right?

BROWNIE
(resentful)
Fuck you, Goodie.

GOODIE
No no, I was serious curious. I guess that means she nevah.

BROWNIE
No she nevah. Why would she? Frickin backstabber.

GOODIE
Oh come on, Brown, you know you still in love with her. If she was here right now you’d be doing it by moonlight. Eh, you know what I would do?

BROWNIE
(curious)
No, no, what you would do?

GOODIE
Well, if you really wanna confuse the hell out of her, tomorrow, after the graduation ceremony, try ask her if she really like marry you instead.

Beanpole and Peanut break into hysteric laughter.

BROWNIE
Say what?

PEANUT
He said you should ask Jeanie —

BROWNIE
Eh, shut up, I know what he said. That was one of those, you know, rhetorical questions. I don’t need to hear about it again from you.

BEANPOLE
That would be really funny, Brown. I think Jeannie would . . .

BROWNIE
What? Jeannie would what?

BEANPOLE
I don’t know. You know what, don’t do that, Brown. I don’t know what she would do, but maybe it wouldn’t be so funny.

GOODIE
Says you, BP. I say it would be hilarious. And good for her besides. What? She dumps you for Larry Lopes, the Kapa’a dope, and you just gotta take it lying down?

BROWNIE
Ah, shet, Beanpole’s right. I don’t wanna do stuff to her that might hurt her feelings.

GOODIE
Hurt her feelings? Damn, Brown, like she nevah hurt yours. You one good church boy. You heard about an eye for an eye, right?

BROWNIE
(wistful)
Yeah yeah yeah. Man, I just like go Honolulu already.

PEANUT
I kine-a like not go anyplace but Kekaha. Right here. Funny, yeah? You two guys like get outta here so fast and me, it’s like I cannot wait for something good that’s gonna happen to me right here. I can feel it. Right here in good old Kekaha.

GOODIE
Well I know one good thing that could happen as soon as tomorrow night. I can tell you Gladys get the hots for you. You know that, right?

PEANUT
(beaming)
Ah, yeah, you know it, my friend. I seen her checking out my manly body from time to time.

All four laugh now, even Brownie

GOODIE
Yeah, Peanut, she get the hotsie-totsies for you, guaranteed, brother. All you gotta do is flex and she’ll be on you like white on rice.

All four laugh again.

BEANPOLE
Maybe that is the first really good thing for you here, Peanut. I don’t mean getting her in the sack like Goodie would, but hey, getting together with Gladys, that could be the start of something great.

BROWNIE
Yeah, plus her family owns the grocery store, man. You could get set up to take um ovah when her old man retires.

PEANUT
Shet, I could be dead by then. It’s not like he’s that old. Nah, I wanna start something on my own. Something that could even make me rich, maybe. Right here in Kekaha.

BEANPOLE
Sounds like you got a plan already.

PEANUT
(excited)
Yeah, guys, I do.

All three sit up and say “What?” at the same time.

PEANUT
If I tell you, you guys promise you won’t laugh?

The three look around at each other.

GOODIE
Yeah yeah, we promise.

PEANUT
I like grow flowers.

GOODIE
Flowers? What the fuck? Lillies?

PEANUT
Fuck you, Goodie, no. It would be carnations.

BEANPOLE
Carnations? Really? They would grow good here you think?

PEANUT
I been reading up on it in the library. The weather and the soil here is perfect for carnations.

BEANPOLE
Wow, Peanut, that’s good, brother, really good. Plus they make all the leis in Honolulu with carnations now. You could send um over there and really cash in.

PEANUT
Bingo, BP, that’s exactly right. I been looking at that too. I think I can do it.

BROWNIE
When you rich, Peanut, no forget about us, yeah?

PEANUT
I ain’t nevah going to forget you guys. We was born Kehaha, we grew up together Kekaha, and we will always be Kekaha.

The four bump cans.

BROWNIE
Goodie, you, what you going do after tomorrow?

GOODIE
You mean besides get lots of nookie?

All four laugh.

GOODIE
Well, I don’t have the slightest idea. I don’t know if I wanna stay here, or move over to Lihue, go Honolulu, or go France or Japan. But you can be sure that wherever I go, there’s gonna be a lot of babes lining up for my good loving. I might try to set a world record for the most ladies laid.

BROWNIE
You know what, Goodie, sometimes I think you nuts brah. One of these days you gotta try thinking about something else besides your little friend.

GOODIE
Why?

BROWNIE
Cause the way you go at it, one day, probably real soon, your dick is gonna die from exhaustion, so you better have a backup plan.

All four laugh.

GOODIE
Nah nah, no worry, he’s been in training for a long time. Bumbye he gonna be the strongest dick in the world. Like iron, brothers, solid steel. The rod of rock.

BROWNIE
If you say so, Goodie, but I’m kind of not kidding.

GOODIE
What? So your plan is so damn good? I’m going to Honolulu to forget about Jean. Oh boo hoo, I’m such a sad little man. Please feel sorry for me cause now that I’m on Oʻahu I don’t have a woman and I don’t have a frickin idea what the hell I’m going to do.

BROWNIE
(really wondering)
Beanpole, when we go Honolulu, what are we going to do?

BEANPOLE
(sipping thougtfully)
I’m going to find any job I can and make enough money to get me to the University of Wisconsin. You know my brother PK’s there, right? I want to get a college degree.

PEANUT
College, yeah, you would be the one, Beanpole. You always were the best student in the class. I can see you now, Professor Lee.

BEANPOLE
(laughing)
Well I don’t know about professor, but I want a degree. I really like history. Maybe I’ll be a history teacher.

GOODIE
Geez, Louise. Teaching? With your luck you gonna end up with students like me. Buuuuut, oh yeah, Beanpole, get all those nice Haole girls up there in Wisconsin. When you get there, BP, maybe I gotta come visit them — I mean you.

All four laugh.

BEANPOLE
If you do, Goodie, you can be damn sure I’ll be warning all those nice Haole girls to hide from the pole of gold.

All four laugh.

PEANUT
Gentlemen, we are officially outta beer.

GOODIE
I guess that means we gotta go steal some from someplace. Peanut, you could go ask Gladys if she can sneak some for you from da store.

PEANUT
Yeah, right, I’ll just flex my muscles and she’ll hand over the beer. But she probably in bed already

GOODIE
Even better. Forget the beer. We’ll be thinking of you and Gladys.

All four laugh.

BEANPOLE
Me, guys, I’m tired. I’m gonna head home.

BROWNIE
Me too.

GOODIE
So you can jump in bed and dream of Jean.

All four laugh, even Brownie.

BROWNIE
I think I will talk to her tomorrow after graduation.

BEANPOLE
Nah, Brown, no make trouble to her.

BROWNIE
No no, not that. I really want to congratulate her.

GOODIE
What? And Larry da fairy too?

BROWNIE
(laughing)
No, I not going that far. I gotta draw the line somewheres.

GOODIE
You could kind of casually remind her that you punched Larry’s lights out when we went kapow da Kapa’a losahs that one time.

BROWNIE
I don’t even feel very good about that right now. I just like no hard feelings, you know. I kine-a would hate to have that.

PEANUT
Let’s go home, guys. For real, I can hardly wait for this whole new beginning to start happening already.

BEANPOLE
Amen. This is it, boys. The last night we’ll be high school kids. Tomorrow at this time we’ll be, well damn, we’ll for sure be having a great big party!

All four start shouting and jumping around on the sand. After a minute, they all stop, lean on their knees panting.

PEANUT
(looking around at the others)
I love you guys.

BROWNIE
It’s been a real good thing growing up with you guys. A real honor, you know?

GOODIE
Gentlemen, I want you to know that when I’m not thinking about sex, I’m always thinking about you boys.

BEANPOLE
Thank God for that. And always keep us separate from the sex, okay? I don’t wanna think about you accidentally thinking about us when you’re thinking about sex. And definitely not while you’re doing it.

All four laugh.

BEANPOLE
But seriously, you guys, a lot of who I am is all of you. We all kind of are part of each other. We’ve rubbed off on each other. I mean we’ve been closer to each other than we were to our own brothers and sisters.

BROWNIE
We’re like the four musketeers.

PEANUT
Here’s to Kekaha!

BROWNIE
Here’s to Waimea High School!

GOODIE
Here’s to Kauaʻi boys forever!

BEANPOLE
And here’s to success and happiness for all us four Kauaʻi men.

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