It hardly came as a shock. Responding to the doorbell, Lucy opened to front door and found another box from Amazon. She stooped to lift in, with her knees, as she’d learned to do when she worked as a baggage handler before retiring with never a single twinge in all those years.
Her back gave out. Staggering to a nearly upright position and leaning against the door frame, she cursed, quite loudly, her husband Rob and his Amazon affliction.
“Robert!” she yelled. “Come get this package. I’d amazed the mail carrier could get it to the door.”
Rob came shuffling out of the kitchen. Rather than notice that his wife seemed to be in some pain, he gleefully rubbed his hands together.
Lucy said, “See if you can pick that up before you start drooling.” She massaged her lower back as she limped back into the house. Collapsing on the couch, she said, “So what is it this time?”
“I don’t know, Honey. You know how it is. I can’t keep track of what I order.”
It sounded to Lucy as if Rob was expressing some point of great pride. “Yes, I know, Rob. I know. Hey, I think they have psychiatrists who’re advertising that they can help with online buying addiction.”
“Hah hah hah,” said Rob. “Come on, you know you love this as much as I do.”
“Oh yeah?” said Lucy. “Like I said, see if you can pick that up.”
Rob stooped over and attempted to lift the box.
“With your knees, Rob, with your knees. How many times do I have to remind you?”
Having never had the benefit of working at a job where he learned to lift heavy objects correctly, Rob let out a yelp and fell to his knees.
“Oh geez,” said Lucy, attempting to get to her feet to go help her husband. Realizing she couldn’t she said, “Rob, are you okay?”
Her husband, as if mortally wounded, leaned to the side and rolled onto the floor, crying out as if he’d been run through with Excalibur.
“I can’t breathe,” he said, gasping to illustrate the point.
“Oh geez,” said Lucy, sliding off the couch and then sliding snakelike toward her moaning husband.
“Rob, seriously, are you all right?”
Rob let out a weak laugh. “Yes, I’m fine.”
Gently, he rolled over on his stomach to face Lucy. “And you, Honey, are you fine as well?”
Lucy smiled but tried not to laugh because she could tell how painful it would be.
“So really, Rob, you don’t know what’s in that box?”
Closing his eyes, Rob tried to visualize his list of Amazon orders. “Well, the only thing I can think of that might be heavy is the Hoover carpet shampooer. But it’s just a little thing really, compared to whatever this is. I mean, it’s a mini shampooer, and come on, it’s just a vacuum cleaner. You’re supposed to be able to move those things around pretty easily, even if they’re full-sized.”
Lucy rolled her eyes. “Okay, so it’s obviously not that then. Any other possibilities?”
His eyes still squinting with the shooting pain in his back, Rob grunted, “Uh-uh.”
“Great, Rob. So you’ve ordered so much stuff you can’t even take a wild guess at what this is, huh? That’s just wonderful.”
With great care, her husband rolled over on his back. “I wish it were the shampooer. This carpet could sure use a good cleaning.”
Feeling a little better, Lucy came up on her elbows, gathered her knees beneath her, and then stood, gradually.
“Come on, Honey, give me your hand.”
Rob opened his eyes. Reaching up gingerly, he grasped his wife’s hand and, pushing with his other hand, he slowly came up.
“Make sure you lift me with your knees,” he kidded.
Lucy still didn’t feel good enough to laugh the way she might normally. “Rob, that’s a really good piece of advice. Imagine that I’m laughing.”
Leaning on one another, the two made their way back to the couch where they sat down very carefully.
“That thing,” Lucy said, gesturing weakly toward the box, “how can it be so heavy? It doesn’t look that heavy.”
“Right,” said Rob. “You know, cardboard boxes hardly ever look heavy.”
“Yup. Never judge a cardboard box by its cover,” said Lucy.
“Don’t try to make me laugh,” said Rob. “Hey, I know you won’t believe this, Lucy, but whatever that is in there, I’m sorry I ordered it.”
They both laughed and winced.
Rob asked, “Do you feel up to going and getting me some ibuprofen?”
“Yes, sure,” said Lucy, getting into a standing position and then moving very slowly toward the bathroom.
Just at that moment, Keoki, their neighbor, came to the front door. “Oh, right on,” he said. “I thought I saw the guy drop this here.”
“What, that’s for you?” asked Lucy, turning slowly to face him.
“I think so,” said Keoki. “Alexa told me it came, but it didn’t.” He bent to look at the label. “Yeah, yeah, the guy just dropped it at the wrong house.”
“Great,” said Rob, waving into the air. “I’m glad it’s not ours.”
Keoki bent his legs and lifted the box with great care.
“Wow, Keoki,” said Lucy. “It’s good to be young, huh?”
“Young?” said Keoki, turning back to them.
“We almost killed ourselves trying to lift that thing,” said Rob.
“Shoots, it’s all in the technique,” said Keoki. “You gotta lift with your legs.”
“Oh,” said Lucy, “that’s good to know.”
“So what is that?” Rob asked.
“It’s my new cast iron kitchen sink,” said Keoki, heading down the sidewalk.
Rob held up his palm toward Lucy. “Please don’t make any kind of joke about that.”
“Believe me,” said Lucy. “I wasn’t going to. After all of this, it wouldn’t be that funny, would it?”
Rob shook his head. “Nope. Not funny at all.”
The two laughed as best they could.
Lanning Lee 