Randol explained to me one time
The difference between black and white
One slims, the other does not
Especially when someone’s taking your picture
Or if you’re going to be on TV
Make sure you’re wearing the right one
And make sure if you’re wearing the wrong one
Not to stand beside anyone skinny
For the photo shoot or a newscast interview
You try hard to think of a good line
One that will preclude further discussion
This before you answer the question
Where’s my 10-foot pole anyway
For the moment it’s an apt cliché
“Does this make me look fat?”
Why put you on the spot
Like a scene from all those comedies
It’s a white ensemble and you want say
What Randol advised
And not an easy, “Hey, you’re not fat to begin with”
Because then you’re deflecting a question
Like a politician, making you sound
As if you’re lying anyway
So few of us are perfect, which is why
I never wear anything white because
Once Randol enlightened me
And who among us is not plagued by self-doubt
I don’t consider any kind of white apparel
When I’m going out
But if you go with the whole self-doubt angle
You’re setting yourself up for a loss
Because you’re now identifying someone who feels inadequate
Since that person is asking the question in the first place
Lost is the universality of this statement about the human condition
And the need to react angrily because personally labeled will ensue
Nor is silence the golden answer here either
Being more like lead
Pure dead weight that will sink you
Perhaps, “Hey, that choice makes you look good
But I love you in your black jacket and slacks”
And then you pray no one has ever dropped
The white-black bit of wisdom in this person’s ear
Because then you’re answering “fat” by opposition
A philosophical fallacy Sophocles would identify with derision
You know how this age-old scene goes
Nowhere fast
There’s never a great solution in movies or books
Only what’s popularly seen as argumentum ad comoedia
But is anger ever really that funny
Once you’ve been cast to play the respondent’s role
So here’s the best solution in my humble opinion
And I’m not going to say, “What do you think?”
That’s asking for trouble no Socratic method could wrangle
You viewed as too polite to give the wrong answer
No, you have to turn it around
An argumentum ad vicissim answer
“Hey, if you think you look fat
Then you’re going out with the right person
Because look at me.”
And this will make your partner stop and think
Never having seen this novel comeback in books or movies
And a good human being, he or she will say
“Come on, you don’t look fat.”
Which is why I know
I should always wear black
Lanning Lee 