So, Chris, I’ve been thinking about the story you told me yesterday.
I hope das good news.
Oh, of course it’s good news. If I said the story was so bad that I’ve already forgotten it, that would be bad news.
What paht you liked da best?
Where you told me that not all stories lead up to flashy finishes. I already knew that, of course, but I like the way you illustrated your point with the quiet close of what could have been a very loud, very violent confrontation.
I could tell you one of da big time ending kine today.
No, no need. But I am curious about your friend Hector.
Hector? Sheesh. He’s no friend of mine, Brah.
What? I thought you said he protected you at school?
Oh. Well, sorry, but I made dat up.
Ah, so you wouldn’t eat saimin with him then?
Heck no. The guy is one mean fuckah. I t’ought would make one good story, is all.
So you like to make up stories that seem true but aren’t.
Well, yeah, das da only kine-a story that’s good, uh? If all us guys only told true stories, like nothing but da facts, everybody goin get bored stupid. You gotta spice um up.
But you always start with a little bit of fact, don’t you?
Ah, well, yeah, maybe.
And then you start playing with that. Spin it out.
Uh, yeah, but I like call it lying.
Yes, I guess that sums it up. Hey, let’s write a story.
Ah, like what?
Let’s say something that’s factually true and then make up something around it.
Hmmm, sound kine-a int’resting. So how we staht?
Okay. The other night I went to a James Taylor concert.
And?
Nothing. That’s it. That’s the fact. Now we create a story around that.
You kidding or what? Dat is almos nothing.
Okay. I’ll add another fact. When I bought my ticket, I was late. Almost everything was gone. There were some really expensive seats I couldn’t afford, but I found one seat that while it was a bit more than I wanted to spend, I decided to go for.
Hmmm, so you went to a concert, we know you not rich. But you got lucky.
Yes. Now we’re getting somewhere. So now you add something.
K-den. At da concert, you wanted for buy one James Taylor shirt, but was almost as much as da ticket, so you said forget it.
Right, I like that. Of course, at my age I need another T-shirt like I need a hole in the head. Plus, I’d just bought a Caitlin Clark shirt the day before, so my shirt budget was kind of shot. Maybe until I die.
Wow. You mean maybe dat Cailtlin Clark shirt might be da last one you evah buy?
Well, yes. It could be. You never know, right? But anyway, I passed on the James Taylor shirt because even if I did splurge on it, I might die before I actually had a chance to wear it. And I headed to my seat. Okay, Chris, your turn again.
Hmmm, so you got to your seat an . . . you was all alone. You was thinking, Eh, I had so hard time fo fine one lousy cheap ticket, an look like ain’t nobody heah? WTF, man, only 20 minutes to showtime, and get like t’ree people in my section.
Oh, that’s good, I like it. So now I’m kind of depressed about the T-shirt and the thoughts of impending death. I’m also irritated because it looks like I should have had an easier time finding a cheap ticket further up in the section. Now you.
Huh. How’s about all of a sudden everybody shows up. All of um get James Taylor shirts on they just bought. Everybody in the whole section. All of um could afford da shirts, an none of um worried about dying anytime. How’s dat, Mistah Writah.
Yeah, I like that. So now I’m not just depressed about no shirt and possibly dying at any moment, but I’m mad because all the people around me are showing off their various T-shirt designs and talking about how great it is to have souvenir T-shirts. And then the lady sitting next to me on my right says, “Hey, how come you didn’t buy a James Taylor shirt?” Now you.
An you try for control your Korean half temper, so calm as possible you tell her, “Well, I spent all my kala on dis seat, so I nevah have nough fo one shirt.” Sound good?
Ooooh, I like that. And then, hmmm, and then she says to me, “Oh, that’s too bad. And they didn’t really cost that much.” Yes, and she’s sipping a cup of wine she also bought. This is getting good, yeah, Chris?
Yeah yeah yeah. Now get this. You so mad, you make like accidental kine an hit her elbow so she spill wine all ovah da bran new James Taylor shirt?
Ah, well, that’s kind of mean. I’m may be half-Korean mad, but I’m not a nasty guy.
Okay, how about dis. She says, “Eh, brah, I like you. You know what,” an she takes off da shirt, “I going give you da shirt off-a my back.”
Ummm, I don’t know. That’s kind of a cliché. Plus nobody does that literally in real life.
Eh, dis ain’t real life. We making up one story, Brah. Plus, I know people who really did give people shirts they took off. Right on da spot. Had one guy I know when he went Ireland –
Okay, that’s good to know, Chris. But it’s not the kind of story piece that fits well for me. How about this? The lady says, “Don’t you drink?” Which irritates me even more because I couldn’t afford a beer either, but still remaining as calm as possible, and not wanting to keep harping on my limited retirement budget, I say, “I’m trying to give it up. I’m planning to go to AA.”
Hah! So you making up one story inside one story. You lying to her inside this lie we telling.
Right, yeah, if this were English class, you would score a point for that insightful comment.
Oh wow, much mahalos, Mistah Writah. So my turn. An so I think she get one friend next to her who heard you say dat, so he lean ovah an say, “You know, James Taylah one recovering addict, too. When his friend John Belushi died of one drug ovahdose, wen shock JT so bad, he quit drugs foevah. He said was one wake up call for lotta guys who knew Belushi. So many guys got sobah dat only had Perrier for drink at Belushi’s funeral.”
Wow, Chris, is that true? I didn’t know that about Taylor.
Yeah, das true. And he did get sobah after Belushi died. I don’t know about what went on a the funeral with the drinks, but. Makes sense. Perrier. Rich guys.”
No matter. That’s an interesting thing to know. Plus it never hurts to mix a little fact in with the fiction. I think the next thing is that a guy behind me leans over and says, “I just heard what you were talking about. I think if JT can do it, I can do it, too. What’s your name?” he asks, sticking his hand out to shake mine. Go, Chris.
K-den. So you tell him your name an he tell, “Eh, how about da two of us go AA together?” An da woman next to you slide da rest of her wine under her seat and say, “Yeah, me, too.” She elbow the guy next to her and she say, “You, too, Will. We all go AA.” And . . . hmmm . . .
And we all exchange numbers, check available AA meeting times, and agree to go to one the next day at the Y.
Aiya. But you hardly even drink. What? You gonna go AA jes because of this even though you no need? Sheesh. Sound like one Seinfeld show. Canna be, Mistah Writah. Das too stupid.
Hey, no need to insult me.
Sorry, but you was getting way too crazy in da details. Gotta go for more real sounding kine. Like when they checking for one AA meeting you come clean. You say like, “Eh, sorry, guys, but I really not one alcoholic. I jes said that cuz I nevah like tell you I couldn’t even pay for one beah, nevah mine one T-shirt.” Sound good?
Okay, I like that. It helps to humanize me. I like the embarrassment and the confession angles. So what’s their response?
I know. They get all habut about you lying, cuz now dey all gotta decide if dey really like quit drinking or not. Was you so pathetic made dem all hot for quit. Everybody wen jump on da bandwagon. Hah! Bandwagon. Go on da wagon. Das funny.
You know, Chris, that is a Seinfeld episode. They disagreed about whether someone who’s going to AA and starts drinking again got on the wagon or fell off of it. You remember that episode?
Ah, no, Brah. I too young.
But Seinfeld is in syndication. It’s on so many stations and streaming services that Jerry Seinfeld is a billionaire now.
Whoa. Billioniare! Holy schmokie dokies. Too bad Mistah Seinfeld wasn’t at the James Taylor concert. You could run into him, tell him your sob story, an he buy you one T-shirt an one beah.
Come on, Chris, now you’re the one going way off. More off than I was. How about the woman says to me in a really pissed-off tone, “You know, if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t even be sitting here.”
Aiya! How’s dat?
I don’t know. Maybe she says, “I bought that seat and then my friend couldn’t come, so I put it back on StubHub and sold it to you as a third-party vendor.”
Oh, wow, no one gonna see dat coming. Sound true, too. That happened to you, or what?
Well, yes, that part is true. When I tried to put my elbow on the rest between us, she had hers there already. So I hit it, and she spilled wine on her James Taylor T-shirt. That’s when she gave me this really mean look and told me that if it her weren’t for her I wouldn’t even be there. She didn’t say anything to me the rest of the night. Although she and her drunk friend talked a lot while everyone was trying to listen to Taylor.
Whoa, now that’s a great finish for the story. End by sliding in some cool facts. We nailed um, Brah.
Yes, I guess that’s a pretty good story.
Sad but.
Yeah, well, not all stories can have happy endings, right, Chris?
Lanning Lee 