“So, me and Hector was eating at Charles Wong’s Ice Cream and Saimin Shop.”
That’s Hector and I. And it’s were eating. Not was.
“Okay, so Hector and I were eating the special at Charley Wong’s. That’s the deluxe saimin. Get extra kamaboko and char siu, plus t’ree teriyaki beef or chicken sticks.”
That It has or It includes. Or at least say Got rather than Get. And if you mean the number, then it’s three, not t’r –
“Eh, who’s telling this story? Me or you?”
You or I.
“Eh, again, this ain’t your story. You don’t know it. So you can’t tell it. It’s my story. I know how it goes. So I tell it.
True, I don’t know the story. But I used to teach English. My apologies. Bad habits die hard.
“You telling me. Like this writing thing you gotta do every day. How come? Whas up wit dat? You no write something, what? Something bad gonna happen?”
That’s a good question. I don’t think I would die. Well, if I did, not only would that solve this need I have to write a rough draft of something every day, but someone would conclude, I’m sure, that I died because I didn’t write something that day.
“Yeah. I believe somebody would. An das one logical fallacy.”
Yes, the assumption that X happened because of Y when there is no evidence of such. It’s a coincidence.
“Like because da moon was blue last week, your dad got sent to prison yestahday.”
Exactly.
“So, Mistah Writah, what going happen to you? If not dying, what?
I don’t really know. But we’re wasting time. Tell your story so I can write it down to use as my rough draft for today.
“Okay. But don’t interrupt me.”
Yes. I’ll just listen and write down what you say.
“K’den. So me an – So Hector and I WERE eating the saimin special at Charley Wong’s. Hector finished one of the teri-sticks and he holds it up in front of him.
“ ‘Chris,’ he tell me, ‘you know I got trained for kill someone with this skewer.’
“I stopped mid-noodle-suck-up. Bit ‘um off so made some of the small kine noodle pieces I have hard time picking up with my chopsticks, barely chewed what I had in my mouth, an swallowed ‘um.
“ ‘Hector,’ I said. ‘You making one joke, uh? You nevah get trained for kill somebody wit only one teriyaki stick?’
“ ‘Oh yes I did, Brah. Was two weeks intensive combat skills camp my folks sent me to las summah. I did that instead of Bible School.’
“I laughed. ‘Come on, Brah, where they get summah school fo learn how fo kill somebody like that?’
“ ‘I saw ‘um on the bulletin board at da Y. Had one sign dat said, “Want To Learn Self-Defense? We’ll Teach You Everything You Need To Know To Protect Yourself.” Sounded like good fun.’
“ ‘At the Y? Okay, I believe the self-defense paht, Hector, but how to kill people? Kine-a extreme, uh?’
“ ‘Well, nevah say we teach you how for kill guys, but pretty good smokescreen calling ‘um self-defense, right? I mean, could be judo or tae kwon do, or some bullshit like that. But wasn’t. I’m not even supposed to tell people what I learned there.’
“ ‘Or what? You gotta kill ‘um? What? Now you told me, you gonna stab me to death wit that teri-beef-stick?’
“ ‘No no no. I don’t have to kill you. Because I know you smart enough not to tell anyone, right?’
“Ho man, the look on Hector’s face, was mean. Really scary kine. So I said, “Yeah yeah sure, brah. No worry about me. I’m like one clam.” ’
“ ‘Das good, Chris,” he tell me, ‘cuz I wouldn’t have to do anything to you.’
“Ho, Braddah, I tell you I almost wen piss my pants. But I nevah. Because you know why?”
What? Are you really asking me if I know why? Or is that a rhetorical question?
“Not rhetorical, Mistah Writah. Do you know why?”
Do I know why it’s not rhetorical?”
“No no no. Do you know why I nevah piss my pants?”
Well, no, not really. Why didn’t you?
“Because Hector always make up stories. He get one wild imagination, da buggah. So, deep down, even though he’s one big, tough guy I wouldn’t want to mess with even if he nevah have that teri stick because he could pound your ass with his bare hands, and compact you in one little trash can, I knew numbah one: He nevah went to one Y camp where you learn how for kill people, and nambah two: He might beat the crap out of me, but I know he’s no killer. Deep down, Hector’s a real good guy.
“For real, he could be da bull of Memorial High, but he not into that. He’s more like da kine-a guy who protect little guys. Like me. I’m one of da guys who could get bullied. But not when I hang wit Hector. Nobody gonna mess wit me unless they like end up stuffed in one little classroom trash can.”
Okay, so if he is as you describe, then why did he give you that terrifying look after he said he knew you wouldn’t tell anyone he could kill people with a teriyaki stick?
“Cuz das the look he uses to warn people.”
Well, wasn’t he warning you to keep quiet?
“Nah, he was just acting. Hector and me, we best friends. I know he was kidding. But for real, if he gave you dat look, you would almost piss your pants. You’d feel like da garbage man was coming, and you was about to get ground up in da back of his big yellow truck.”
All right, I see what you’re saying. That look, when he uses it with his friends, is different in intent than when he uses it on others.
“Yeah yeah. You got it. So aftah one second of thinking he was gonna hemo me, I said, ‘What Hector? You learned anything else at that Y camp?’
“He laughed. “Brah, the teri stick was only one thing. I learned plenny other ways for kill people. But like I said, I’m not supposed to tell anyone.’
“So, Hector went back to slurping up noodles. I was looking around the place trying to think what else you could kill people with. Like one ice cream scoop, maybe? You shove ‘um in somebody’s chest and scoop out da buggah’s heart. Or, well, more obvious, duh, one chop stick. But I nevah like irritate him by asking, so I went back to eating my saimin.”
Okay, well thanks, Chris. I’m glad you were able to tell me this story. It’s a good one.
“Whoa whoa wait, Brah. Dat ain’t the story. Das Paht One. Now comes da climax. Stick around. Eh, how you like my pun?”
Very good. I get it. But you should have said it like Arnold. You know the way he says it when he throws the machete and nails the bad guy to the wooden post. Then he says, “Stick around.” That’s from Predator.
“Yeah, okay. Das one movie, right? I know who you mean. Da old guy. Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
Yes. Him. If you get a chance to see the movie, I think you’d enjoy it. Hector sounds a little bit like that character.
“Right, okay, so now here’s da big finish.”
I can hardly wait.
“So while me an – while Hector and I were eating quietly, who should come into Charley’s but Duke Cummings. Now Duke, he’s the bull of East High School, and dey our rivals.
“ ‘Eh, Hector,’ Duke says, ‘I thought you knew Charley Wong’s Ice Cream and Saimin Shop was off limits to you Memorial High fuckahs? East High owns this place. So drop your chopsticks an make like one tree an beat it.’
“Hector, he nevah say nothing, just picked up his last teri-beef stick and real slow kine pull each piece off with his teeth, grine ‘um up, an finally swallowed da last one. Ho, I tell you, was like the clock wen stan still.
“Then finally, Hector swivels around. He gives dat look I was telling you about. But Duke, he’s tough, right? So he nevah piss his pants.
“ ‘Eh,’ says Duke, ‘I not going tell you an your runty little friend fo beat it again. So beat it!’
“Hector, he laughs and he says, ‘Fuck face, you just did say beat it again. You dumbass.’
“I tell you, the look Duke gave Hector almost made me piss my pants even though he wasn’t even looking at me.
“Duke, he started moving toward Hector real slow. An Hector, he stood up and started walking same speed. I can see he get the teri-stick in his right hand, and I thinking, Whoa, is he gonna kill Duke with that or what?
Chris stops talking. He’s smiling at me.
“So what you think, Mistah Writah? You think Hector killed Duke with that little teriyaki stick?”
Ah, well, that would make a pretty dramatic ending. Also, it would indicate he might be telling the truth about there being a YMCA summer class where they teach you how to kill people with objects that are at hand.
Chris laughs. “Man, you writers. You always gotta think all these things out. And you know what?”
He pauses.
I’m guessing you do want me to guess. So I’ll say, ah, even though we always have to think all these things out, we, ah, don’t somehow?
“Geez, Brah, das one crappy ansah. If dis was one creative writing class, you would get da award for da most bullshit contribution of the day.”
Okay, so what is it then. What about trying to think everything out. That’s logical, right?
“Logic. Das da problem. Not everything is logical, lemme tell you. If everything was all logical-smogical, stories would suck.”
Okay, fine, so how about you just tell me how the story ends.
“Okay, so Hector and Duke about to get into it, an I’m thinking if Hector wasn’t lying, Duke about to be dying with one teriyaki stick stuck in his eye or something, when all of a sudden, one cop walks into Charley’s.
“ ‘Eh boys,’ he says, ‘you two look like you’re about to get into something here. I’d advise you not to do that. Break it up and move on.’
Both Hector and Duke, they sort of relax, an Hector turns to me an says, ‘We go, Chris.’ So we left.”
Chris stops talking.
And?
“And what, Brah. Das it. Das da whole story.”
Ah, okay, I was kind of expecting something more given the way you billed the rest of the story. You made it seem like something very exciting, very dramatic was going to happen.
Chris laughs. “Brah, I think that’s what I like most about it. You think something huge is gonna happen, and then there’s just one quiet ending. Plus still get the mystery about if Hector was going stab Duke wit da teri-stick.”
Yeah, yeah, okay. I guess I know that. Not all stories make huge dramatic splashes. And peace, well, nowadays we certainly need more stories with peaceful endings. But, come on, it’s really stretching credulity when you talk about the YMCA offering classes about how to kill people. That doesn’t sound legal, and it certainly isn’t very Christian.
“Yeah, I get that. But you know, since the pandemic, lotta people work out at home now. And they like swim in the ocean more than the pool. So places like the Y kine-a hurting for business.”
All that’s true, Chris. But classes about how to kill people? That’s a story detail I just can’t buy.
“So what? You like me get Hector come ovah here with one teriyaki stick?”
No no no, that’s okay. I’ll leave that part in. It’s your story, after all, not mine. You’re telling it, and I’m just writing it down.
Lanning Lee 