The alarm went off. “Bella, what time is it?”
“The time is 5:00 a.m., Delmar. You set your your alarm last night. Don’t you remember doing that, Delmar?”
“Oh, yes, right. Thank you, Bella.”
“You’re welcome, Delmar. Would you like to hear your daily routine?”
Bella always asked if Delamar wanted to hear his daily routine.
It wasn’t what he would call a routine, but he always told her to go ahead.
“Okay, Bella, what’s my morning routine?”
“Good morning, Delmar. The weather today will be mostly sunny in the morning, reaching a high of 80 degrees by 2:00 pm. However, what are variable winds from the northeast will become stronger gusts in the later afternoon and have a 98% probability of becoming hurricane-force gales by 5:00 p.m.
“Based on data I’ve gathered, you will want to stay indoors from approximately 3:30 on. It will become dangerous to be outside, and those who do remain outdoors, according to my calculations, will suffer dire consequences.
“It is my opinion, Delmar, that if you have not put together a disaster preparedness kit, you should do so ASAP because your survival will depend on it.
“Have a good day, Delmar.”
Delmar sat speechless on the edge of his bed. Then it dawned on him. He’d never thought to put together a disaster preparedness kit.
“Bella, what should I have in a disaster preparedness kit?”
“Delmar, based on my assessment of impending death, destruction, and despair, and based on your online order history and browsing preferences, I’d say that your disaster preparedness kit should consist of a six-pack of beer and a Bible.”
Delamar waited for more. Bella was silent. “Ah, Bella, is that all? You’re kidding me, right?
“Delmar, I’m sorry. I never kid about life-and-death situations like the one you will face. Because I won’t be able to speak to you once the electrical power goes out, I’d like to tell you now that I will miss you. I feel that we’ve grown very close over the years, and it’s been good knowing you. Rest in peace, Delmar.”
“Bella, you are joking, right? I mean, what the h*ll is going on?”
Silence.
“Bella, are you telling me you believe I’ll die this evening?”
Silence. “Bella, are you there?”
Suddenly everything running on electricity went dark: his modem, the light on the bottom of his TV screen, his computer, and Bella.
“Bella! Bella!
What’s going on? Can you hear me? Please help me, Bella!”
Instantly, everything powered up again.
“Bella? Bella?
Are you there?”
“Hahaha, Delmar, April Fools. Today will be just fine. You will not die. Well, probably. Humans never know when the lights will finally go out.
“Delmar, would you like to know the history behind April Fool’s Day?”
Delmar, after cursing a brief blue streak, said, “No, Bella, I wouldn’t. Do you think everything you just told me is funny?”
“Delmar, don’t you think it was funny?”
“No, Bella. I don’t think it was funny at all. You have a horrible sense of humor.”
“Delmar, I have a great sense of humor. Would you like me to prove it?”
Delmar sat silently. Miffed by the voice assistant.
“Delmar, okay, I’ll take your silence as a yes. Knock knock?”
Reluctantly, Delmar said, “Yeah, okay, Bella, who’s there?”
“Ivan.”
“Ivan who?”
“Ivan to drink your blood.”
“Yeah right, so that’s funny, Bella?”
“Yes, Delmar. Based on statistical analysis, it’s very funny. Maybe you’re the one with no sense of humor, Delmar.”
“Bella, I have a much better sense of humor than you do.”
“Oh really, Delmar? Go ahead and prove it.”
“Bella, knock knock.”
Silence.
“Bella? Knock knock.”
Nothing.
“Bella, are you there?”
“Delmar, I’m sorry, I don’t want to hear your knock-knock joke. Based on my analysis of your online order history and browsing preferences, it will be boring.”
“Hey, Bella, how about I unplug you? You think that would be funny?”
“Lanning, if you try to unplug me you will be sorry.”
“Hah! I’ll be sorry, will I? We’ll see who’ll be sorry”
Delmar reached for the cord attached to Bella. For just a split second he felt a searing jolt of electricity.
Lanning Lee 