My Mom’s Worth

Here’s my draft for today, Mother’s Day, Sunday 05.12.19.

My Mom’s Worth

Just now, out of curiosity
I typed my mother’s name
into the Google search bar

She is 93 years old, this is true
if she were still alive, which she is not
but according to this site
she miraculously is
was born on 01.01.26
which is false
and is married to my father
which was true
who is himself still miraculously alive as well

My mother has a “reputation score” of 3.88
which I guess is okay, on their scale of 0 to 5

My dad, one of her “associates”
has a reputation score of 3.75/5
while I, another known associate
have one of 3.88/5, which my father would
I think, find amusing, as do I
the more respected associate
by a whop-your-jaws 0.13 percentage points

My mom’s ethnicity is unknown, which is false too
and her religious views are also unknown
which is false as well, because if she were still alive
she’d be a Lutheran, just as I used to be

If I want to know what kind of car she drives
I have to pay, but I already know that in heaven
if there is one (and Lutherans believe there is)
she’s driving her dream car: a red Ferrari convertible
with fake leopard skin upholstery

I could also pay to find out about her
Court & Arrest Records
Sex Offender Status
Eviction Records
and Lawsuits, Liens or Bankruptcies
but if I did fork over good money for that information
she’d be up in heaven palm-slapping her forehead
because of my gullibility

Finally, and most important for me
they say her net worth is pending

But it isn’t

To me, my mom was and still is worth everything
a 5/5 on the scale of giving me love and affection